SELF HARM, UNWORTHINESS, and HEARTACHE.
‘You are always SO positive.’ They say, as if it should make me feel bad.
‘Surely there HAS to be something wrong in your life?’ They ask, eyes thick with scrutinisation.
‘You honestly can’t always be this happy... it HAS to be fake.... right? Don’t you ever just spend time feeling bad?’ They question, voices layered in judgement.
I sit quietly, thinking. Why am I this way?
Why, when presented with ANY situation, person, experience, thought, opinion, judgement, or anything part of our human experience...... why, am I always & without fail able to locate and focus on the positive within it, allowing all else to fall away?
When I was 8, my family moved to New Zealand.
I was bullied intensely from the day I stepped into my first school, until the day I graduated at 18.
Not just ‘standard’ name calling teenage bullying, but bullying to the point where I was hunted down in the school halls because people wanted to physically attack me. My family home had people approach it in the dead of night, throwing eggs onto it, smashing our glass front door, and scribbling profanity on my window while I slept.
I was the girl invited to pseudo sleepovers that never existed.
I was the girl targeted for all pranks.
I was the girl judged heavily because she was different.
Throughout this, my Dad left New Zealand and moved to America, where he remarried. At the time, he truly thought it was the best thing for my brother and I, but it didn’t feel that way at all.
I was emotionally corrupt.
I felt lonely.
I felt as if no matter who I was, or what I did, I wasn’t good enough.
I felt that no matter what, if I wasn’t good enough for my Dad, I wasn’t good enough for myself.
The bullying only ‘proved’ this to me.
I began to self harm.
This is something I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone about, perhaps except my Mom and brother.
I was about 15 when I started it. About 18 when I stopped. That’s when an eating disorder developed instead.
My mind had become my own worst enemy.
My mind had become a prison that I desperately wanted to escape.
Thoughts of terror, anxiety, heartache, and fear consumed my existence.
I began to develop an alter ego.
She was the happy Jacqui.
The one who was always happy, positive, smiling, High Vibe.
I leaned on her in my darkest times, and often stepped into her whenever I would go out into public.
Finding the positive and focusing on it became my way of feeling better.
Of feeling like I could, maybe, one day, actually be ‘okay’.
Of feeling the potential to be good enough... good enough for MYSELF.
Eventually, after years of deep inner work, of deep healing & reconstruction of my belief in Who I Truly Am....
I became her.
Finding the positive and focusing on it, is not something that just happens in my life (or anyone’s).
It isn’t something that is done easily.
It isn’t something everyone can handle.
When you see me locate the positive or the good in a situation, or change the subject to be about it, it isn’t because I’m trying to ignore the ‘negative’.
It’s because I’ve spent so much of my life living there, that I am EXTREMELY aware of what it can do to a person when given the time.
The negative in life (which is really something you personally perceive as negative), absolutely exists. We even have a Universal Law about it - POLARITY. In order for any good to exist, the opposite needs to, too.
And I am someone who has journeyed through the dark to live in the light.
IT IS A CHOICE THAT I MAKE EVERY DAMN DAY AS SOON AS I OPEN MY EYES.
A choice to see the positive.
A choice to lean into the good of a situation.
A choice to look for what feels good.
A choice to live with the Power of a Positive Mindset every day of my life.
Not because I am fake, or naive and choose to completely ignore the hurt, or the heartache, or the fear, or the ‘negative’ of a situation.
But because I’ve learned that there is NO negative or positive in any situation of life.
There is simply our perception of it.
And whatever perception we choose to have, WILL GROW. Without fault. Without fail.
Whatever you choose to see, is what will keep coming to you.
The Power of Positivity is not a fun instagram hashtag.
It is a life changing way of thinking that can, quite literally, save lives.
Today and always, challenge yourself, to find the good. To look for just ONE thing that feels better. To locate the silver lining, the blessing in disguise, the positive.
What light might be hiding in the shadow?
Love, light, and a High Vibe High Five,
By the way - my Dad and I have a great relationship now. Forgiveness played a key role, along with focusing on what IS good, what IS okay.. Proof that everything can ALWAYS hold good!