Oh, the beauty of new beginnings! Before I get deep on this, let me just start by saying that nothing I write is for anyone else, but me. I write not to engage others, but to share what I think might be useful based on my own experiences and understandings.
A new beginning is a little seed of hope, wrapped up in dreams, and more often than not, tied together with messy rope and broken pieces.
New beginnings often rise from the ashes of an uncomfortable place. They can only truly be welcomed once we accept the ending of a chapter in our lives. How many people get freaked out just thinking about that?
In the past 7 days, I have gone through a break up of an extremely important relationship, decided to leave South Africa, moved countries, and said goodbye to many people I have loved dearly throughout the past 6 or 7 years of my life. It is a funny thing, how much can change in the space of a few days.
Lets start at the top.
The relationship was not perfect, by any means. But it was my favorite, and by far the most rapid ‘growth’ inducing one I have ever experienced. Anyone that knows me well, will know that since I met the guy many years ago, I’ve been saying (on REPEAT!) that I really felt/feel like there is a reason we are in each others lives – even before we got together. This really matches my belief that people come into our lives to teach us something, and for us to teach them something- to allow our souls to grow through experience. This relationship was truly that for me – and for him. I believe whole heartedly that romantic soul mates are very rarely designed to be in our lives forever and ever. I believe that they enter our sphere, and we enter theirs, to teach us what we need in order to reach the next level of our development. Here I will share my journey, and what it taught me – His is his own to share.
I can honestly say, openly and for all, that I now know what it truly means to love someone, and to truly be ‘in’ love. I also know and understand now that the old saying means… ‘When you love someone, let them go’.
I need to come clean.
Ever since I was small, I always had this burning feeling inside me that I was truly here, in this life, to create MASSIVE change – through writing, through coaching, through helping people to see that they are fucking AMAZING and can have anything they want or desire. This feeling woke up with me, stayed with me throughout the day, and went to sleep with me. It filled my dreams and my journals. I would tell anyone who would listen!!! I couldn’t wait to ‘start’. I am a very big intuition person, so I generally try to listen to what my gut tells me.
Fast forward to 2011, and I’d broken up with my first ‘real’ boyfriend, found another quick one a couple of weeks later, got cheated on and BOOM decided I am off to South Africa to finish my degree and be back in my mother land. It’s funny, because I had a diary entry a couple of days before the guy cheated on me saying, “I don’t think I will be in New Zealand much longer’…. And within about two weeks I was in South Africa.
I stayed with my Grandad in Pretoria while I finished my degree, and within the first month or so met the sweetest, kindest guy who would become my partner of 5 years. I remember looking at him and all I could say was ‘Holy FUCK you’re good looking’, and that was that! I think within a week I was up at his house in the bush town of Hoedspruit. I remember being really freaked out, because a couple of months before all of this, I’d researched volunteering in South Africa with animals, at a place called Moholoholo Rehab. It would have gone full steam ahead if I could have afforded it at the time. But you know what? K actually lived RIGHT NEXT DOOR. Totally buzzed me out, but I realize it was a nod from the Universe, telling me I was on the right track.
Let me tell you, I put this guy through quite a bit of hell. He was genuinely so kind, giving, and relaxed – and there was me, trust issues + abandonment issues + unsatisfied with my life + aggression + hard ass. I know I sound like I am rambling, but trust me, this all has a point…..
Anyway – he was really quite well off, so I never needed to worry about money at all. I didn’t have to worry about getting a job – Although I did, at one point, just to prove it to myself – and he really liked to be the gentleman and pay for everything we needed. This gave me the opportunity to develop a small business that I still run today, which I am truly grateful for.
Ok, let me cut to the chase – I got LAZY. As one of my best friends put it, I became dormant. I lived a comfortable life. I had internal worries – anxiety, trust, everything listed above – but externally, I was pretty taken care of. So it made me complacent. I began to think less and less about travelling and about changing the world and impacting people. I began to switch my interests from meditation to media, from experiences to the Kardashians, and from truly living to truly getting smashed and doing crazy shit. It was like my whole world just shrunk, and I became the small town farm girl – something I’d never really seen in my future…. Or I had, but only when I was like 50 years old.
So I truly imploded. I was so unhappy with myself and how I had turned into everything I didn’t like about the world. How I’d sit quietly while racist comments were thrown around and people were disrespected – not by the guy, but by a lot of people in our circle at the time – How I would just allow myself to spend HOURS watching tv, sleeping, scrolling through facebook. Trying to do yoga and meditate would only end up in me taking selfies of me meditating or doing yoga and then sunbathing. Gossip was a regular thing, as was completely turning my partners life upside down in arguments because I was unhappy with myself.
Don’t get me wrong though – its not like that burning feeling was gone. It was still there. It just began to shrink more and more, until it became a tiny baby ember glowing deep within the darkness that began to consume me. I remember sitting in front of the computer trying to write, and I would need copious amounts of red wine in order to allow even the smallest of sentences to find their way to my page.
I would set really high standards for my partner to achieve, and I would be so incredibly aggressive and defensive whenever things didn’t go my way. I would try to control every situation because I couldn’t control my life. Read my post on projection here to find out more about why this happens.
I couldn’t face the HUGE niggle that was deep, deep down inside me. The one that said,
‘My girl. I know you could have a happy life here, you’d be content. But you wouldn’t achieve what it is that you are destined to.’
So, we broke up. And not because I was brave and faced that little voice. But because we ended up both fighting and arguing ALL the time, but even the fights were passionless, and I made some pretty shameful decisions – we’d become buddies who live together. It was a one hour conversation and we decided to split.
A few weeks later, and I was in a new relationship with someone who I’d always had a massive connection to, and crush on. This is what I have just walked away from, and closed the chapter of.
In the space of a year, we have truly grown SO FREAKIN’ MUCH. Both of us, in completely different ways. And I am so, so grateful for the time we spent together. I can easily say that it has been one of the best years of my life, filled with non stop fun, laughter, craziness and extreme growth. I mean EXTREME. We were brought together for so many reasons, which I now completely understand. I might go into this into more depth at a later stage when I am ready.
What you need to know, is that we both came to an agreement that I wouldn’t be able to fulfil my destiny by staying in the relationship, and he wouldn’t be able to learn and undergo some extremely crucial lessons that he desperately needs by being in a relationship. No matter what, sometimes being in love is actually not enough. Loving someone, and being in love, is the most beautiful feeling in the world. And we were both lucky enough to find this within each other. The love we had/have is not a selfish love. It is the kind that truly wants the best for each other, and no matter how much love there is between people – sometimes the best for the other person is to set them free.
There is a deep, bittersweet sadness about that. But I am grateful.
Anyway – What I am trying to get to (this is a ramble of a post, I am aware of that!), is that if we don’t listen to that massive fire, or that tiny ember within us, we will be spoken for.
We will either settle – and we may have a great life in that settle – but it won’t be living to our FULL CAPABILITY. Or, the Universe will pull the rug out from underneath us, turning our lives upside down so we are able to start fresh and truly live into our destined greatness from square one.
People come into our lives to teach us thing in order for us to expand and get ready for our next level of living.
We grow out of things.
We grow out of clothes, out of beliefs, out of thoughts – we have certain food tastes and then different ones – we change ALL THE TIME. From something as small as our shoe size or out favorite scent or most loved food right up to soul changing belief systems…. we change, and change, and change. And we outgrown the things that no longer serve us, or that we need to let go of in order to reach our next level of growth.
Like a comfort zone. If you stayed there, that is great, and you will be ok – but will you ever truly live? How will you know who you are, if you never really truly push yourself?
Life kind of just goes on if we are in our comfort zones. It just kind of carries on, day in and out, routinely. We have nothing that truly challenges us, and I feel like we only use 10% of what we are actually capable of.
The 10% is the stuff that just carries us. It is what allows us to gets on with our lives in the daily running. It’s what allows us to exist, and get done what we need to get done, but it doesn’t allow us to truly LIVE. It allows us to pay the bills, look after after our friends/families, go to work, eat, sleep, escape our realities with substances and so on…….
To reach the other 90%, or even the next 10% or 20% or whatever you can manage in your life right now, you need to do something that scares you. Maybe, to you right now that means taking a different route to work. Maybe it means ordering something different from your favorite restaurant. Maybe it means joining the gym, or a new exercise class. Or maybe it means finally being honest with yourself, answering that soul call that says, ‘come – it is time’ – even if it means walking away from, and saying goodbye to someone or something that you truly love.
It means feeling the fear, and doing it anyway. It means doing something you are scared of so you can truly GROW. Launch into the next level of yourself, without being held down by the fear that anchor you to your current state.
The hardest lessons always come with the greatest growth and the most fulfilling rewards.
What is your soul telling you? What are you ignoring and justifying in your life? What are you lying to yourself about? What would you change, if you weren’t fucking scared?!??!
I ignored my calling for many years. I justified what was happening around me as ‘what was meant to be’ when I knew deep down it was an excuse. I knew what I was supposed to be doing, and I didn’t – so, the Universe did it for me.
Everything has a divine path.
Lean in and listen.
All my love