How to win at every argument, ever. (3).png

So, anyone who knows me knows that loving people in all situations is a real priority for me. No matter what, I’ve made it my mission to look at people through the eyes of love, to not judge, to understand the INTENTION behind the behavior. This has enabled me to remove my own preconceptions and assumptions, focusing only on where the action might have come from.

But…. This last week has been a real challenge for me. And that is what I will be referring to ‘it’ as – a challenge. Because challenges do not own you. We can find a way to overcome a challenge, and to grow from what it has laid in our path.

Before I get into it, I’d like to share a little more about intention and behavior, because I speak about it A LOT.

Right, so – every action that we as humans exhibit serves an intention. Every behavior we show is to serve some intention within us (consciously or subconsciously), and there are always numerous behaviors available to us that serve that intention equally well. However, more often than not, because we are unaware of it, we choose a behavior that is less suited to truly serving our intention…. And a lot of the behaviors can be more damaging than truly fulfilling. Making sense? No? Ok. Let us start simply.

You go to the fridge and grab a slab of chocolate.
This is the action/behavior.

What intention is this serving?
A) You’re hungry
B) You’re bored
C) You’re sad

Answer? All of the above.
This behavior serves each of these intentions. However, for all of the intentions above, it may not be the most fulfilling behavior to serve it (except, perhaps, you’re hungry and don’t care about fuelling your body with only healthy stuff!)…… Right?
So, if you’re bored, instead of doing something constructive and time consuming like creating something beautiful with your hands, taking a walk, catching up with friends, reading a book – you do something that allows instant gratification, even though it lasts only moments. With the world we live in today, everything is about that instant gratification – and social media actually has a huge part of play in this – but that is a whole new post! Anyway… Where was I….. Yes, intentions and behaviors.

Long story short, this philosophy applies when it comes to other people too. Let me go into a bit more detail here.

This week, I was told a few things that someone quite prominent in my life had said. Some of the things that were said were quite hurtful – real character bashing – never mind that none of it is actually true. At first, it really didn’t phase me, because I immediately looked at it from the intention point of view. This person is clearly hurt, and the quickest way to gratify that hurt, is to slam others – it is how we as humans work, when we operate from Ego mode.

However, overnight it settled into my subconscious, and a storm began to brew. I noticed myself beginning to have negative feelings toward this person, and situations that this person was involved in. And you know who suffered the most? I did.

My feelings didn’t change the person’s behavior – they never would!
My feelings didn’t show the other person that I was hurt.
My feelings didn’t assist the situation in any way, whatsoever… Instead, my feelings began to spin me into a black hole of negativity. And the only person that it affected, was ME.

I noticed myself saying things that I normally wouldn’t, and reacting to situations concerning this person in a harsher way than I normally would, and even began thinking of scenarios where I would see this person, and how I would act toward them……. In other words, completely acting out of a place of EGO. Where had the love gone!? And what the hell does this have to do with actions and intentions? I am getting there….. All will be revealed.

When someone attacks our outer self, it hurts. There is no doubt about that. Automatically, we go into defense mode, wanting to prove them wrong and show them how right we are. This is a natural survival instinct.

BUT…. Here’s the thing. What I am about to reveal is seriously something that has changed my life immensely.

What other people do to us/about us/ actually has NOTHING to do with us.

Let me say that again.

How people act has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with us.

Do you understand?

So – in this instance, I know that the person who said these things is hurting. I know that this person hasn’t had an easy time lately, and even if I didn’t know what I do know, it is critical to understand that this person is only choosing a behavior that they feel might serve their intention in the most efficient/quickest manner. And, in this case, it was saying hurtful things about other people in order to serve their own feelings.

So today, after a Saturday filled with friends and serious fun, and a Sunday filled with some overwhelming family love, I realized….. It isn’t me. It isn’t us.
The things that were said don’t matter…. Not only because they are not true, but because they’re just a blanket. They are purely put into space to help another human feel better.

And though there were many other behaviors that could serve that intention (like getting to the real core, and actually dealing with, and letting go of) whatever hurt this person is feeling, if gossiping about personal matters can help someone feel better about themselves, then I am ok with that…. I trust the Universe to take care of it all. Dr. Suess has a fantastic saying that I often refer to.

Those who matter don’t mind, and those who mind don’t matter :-).

So, fellow human… If you’ve been hurt by another’s actions, know deep within your being that they are simply doing what they think is best for themselves in that isolated moment. And you know the truth….. So, in the words of every great Mom ever (I know mine always has this one-liner ready to go!)…

Don’t take it personally.